I'm doing pretty good with exams so far even though, I don't think I'm even doing that well on them. But I've gotten over the anxiety of wriing them and now I've just moved on to despair about my marks....?
Tonight's going to be good though, I was going to be going to a pantomime, but it's in town, and I don't want to get back too late because I have my one and only 9:00 AM exam tommorrow, so instead I'm going to stick with my regular thursday night routine and go over the Vanessas' house and watch the O.C., special Christmukkah addition, and things should get interesting between Ryan and Lindsay now that we know that big secret about Lindsay, but also, lets just thing about the last episode where Seth was going after Lindsay, yeah grossed out a little? I was!! I guess its a good thing Seth was completly obsessed over Summer, and didn't actully hook up with Lindsay, that would have been WRONG!!!!Well enought about all that! I'm going to go drink some tea now!

A twinge

A twinge, the only way to describe it is a "twinge" in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it's because I'm, well honestly so old. I mean I'm not actually old, but in the scheme of things and in comparison my friends, I am. I always thought I would never be the last, but it looks like I am. I mean somebody always has to be last, it fairly simple, you can't have a first, and you can't have all the people in between if you don't have a last. Other wise the first person would end up being the last person and then their neither because their the only person! I just never thought I would be last, and now there is no one I can tell. I've lied, to everyone, absolutely everyone, I've even lied to myself, and the scary thing is that sometimes I start to believe myself. Believe the lies. It's like I'm in this hole and like I have this funny idea that if I keep digging I'll get out, but I can't. It almost like it's to late for me, like if you don't start by a certain age then that's it, your doomed for the rest of your life. You'll just have a twinge in the pit of your stomach, followed by disgust, followed by the twinge. I could be jealous, I could be self pitying, or I could just give up, but I don't think any of those will work?
"The only thing that can heal the unhealable wound is the sword that made it"
I know who I have to go to, but it so horrible I can't even think about it. I have the number, I just don't have the guts. And what would I expect? Forgiveness ? For what, it's my fault not theirs! I never spoke up, I never said a word! Respect? Again for what, I'm the one who should be in shame! Rejection? It's what I deserve! I know who I have to go to, but I never will, I guess I just will live for ever in my hole, with the hole in me, and never get close to anyone. It's what I deserve, for lying so much I deserve to be alone, no one would want me, no deserves this curse, and I'm not just saying that for dramatic effect, it's true. I know no one will ever want me, and in all seriousness, in a completely religious sense, I'm probably going to hell. Lying is a little thing but when you do it as much as i do, it suddenly becomes very very big!

I want to go back

Well the truth is I want to go back to my old school. I miss seeing my friends everyday, and I miss the grad events, I miss being able to sopport team Eria 2005. Tonight all the grade 12's are going to Winter Formal. They all got new dresses, and their getting their hair done, or they got new suits, and are completely excited about it. All I want to do is get dressed up and I can't. Tonight I'm gonna be sitting at home watching the O.C. and while that is a really great show, I could have just as easily recorded it and gone to my winter formal. That I would have been ok with! But, alas, no such luck for me, I don't get a winter formal, I get exams, and I don't get a new dress I get a fucking heart murmer! What the fuck is that, this is supposed to be the best year of my life so far, and it's not panning out as that. It's looking like it's gonna be a year of boredom and misery with a little school mixed in, oh joy!! I mean I am trying to look on the lighter side of things, like well at least my friends are having a good time, and while I guess the truth about friends is that you only ever want the best for them, sometimes I want to be a little selfish and have it all for my self. Sometimes I want MY winter formal, and sometimes I want MY grad and sometimes I want MY prom! Maybe I can think " well the new year is coming and high school isn't the end, its the beginning, but a lot of the time it just feels like a horrible continuation, like there's no way to get out of the endless loop, and no way to get out of the routine. God I need a boyfriend or something, something different! Either that or I need to get over myself and go take a shower!



So I mean I really want to go to Mexico with my grad class, but at the same time not really. I mean obviously I want to go to Mexico, like duh? But I mean I don't know.Obviously there's a problem with money, and I don't know if I want to go all the way to another country with people who aren't even my friends?I mean sure I talk to them at school, and I think I've been over to Claires house like once before, but that was for a project, and I think I seen one of them outside of school, but that's it. We don't have any mutual friends, we don't have any of the same interests, and I think I would have a pretty crappy week!!
On the other hand, it could all go well, it could work out, maybe I'll actually find them all perfectly fine and normal people??Who knows, but I think this is what I'm going to have to say...
"If we do enough fundraising, and basically I don't have to pay out more than $100 dollars out of my own pocket, then I'm all for it!"
We have to make a non-refundable payment by December, for the trip to be in April, and if we make that payment, with me in there, and then when its time and we are each like $500 short, I'm totally screwed, cuz I can't pay out $500, and still have my GAP year ( I will explain about the GAP year in a minute) so I gotta think about it, do some number crunching as to the fundraising and wut not etc. But I think it might work??Maybe...??

GAP year:
In England when they graduate from highschool, they have to wait for the following February before they can apply to any universities, because they have to wait for their grades for their equivalent of grade 12 to come through. While we don't quite have the same system here, we still have the possiblilty of going to any number of other countires on an exchange as well (like :Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada (for those who aren't already here), Chile, China, Ecuador, Germany, Hungary, Japan, Mexico, Nepal, New Zealand, Paraguay, Poland(yeah right!!), Romania (same thing!), Russia, and South Africa) so as you can see its a pretty cool thing, and if I have to pay a lot of money toward this Mexico thing, then the GAP year isn't really an option anymore, but if I just don't even bother with the Mexico thing, and focus all my attention on the GAP thing then I think that would be easier for all, so I guess I have some 'serious ' thinking to do!!Well I gotta go write up my GAP application, omg yet another APPLICATION!!lol
PS. Ill leave you all with this:
"Why do people with closed minds, always open their mouths?"
(finished 5:30)

Conclave this year

ok so its a little late this year, it happened about two weekends ago, but I guess I had to let it all sink in. So last year I so totally threw myself at Aaron, and this year I completely through myself at someone else, and I'm kinda ...I don't know not regretting it, just I kinda wish I hadn't cuz now I'm completely estranged with Aaron, and I don't really want that to happen with nutty. But I told Nuttys friend at a party last Saturday, that at conclave, I was just bored and then Ryan, Nuttys friend, said that nutty was just bored to, so now we just sorta talk and that on msn but I'm not really interested anymore?...I'm actually more interested in someone else, some in close proximity to me right now(hint: look at the time marker)like he's sitting right across form me in the computer lab and his foot is on mine and that's really annoying because honestly I can't move me foot right now, the good one, he's on it, and its stuck lol.oh well, my screwed up life!!

footsies has got to be the stupidest thing in the world, when its under a table with a table cloth, then its ok, but when people do it under a table, like where everyone can see, it just look like they lost something up the pant leg of the other person, and basically looks stupid!!and sometimes, you can hurt your toe!

Torn...Broken...Damaged Goods

The Application Black Hole!

My math teacher, at the beginning of the year was talking about the "Black Hole" and how if we fell behind in our work we would fall into the "Black Hole".
I'm don't seem to be having any troubles staying out of the black hole in math, but more recently I've been falling into the "Application Black Hole" so dubbed by....Me!
With everyday that passes I'm Starting to feel the Squeeze. It seems like every time I find a new thing I might want to do after high school, theres another application, and I've just missed the due date?!?! It's going to drive me crazy!I may just give up completely, and submit myself to the crazy house!!!BUT then there will just be another application to fill out!!
like right now I'm applying for the GAP year thing, and its something I really want to do, because with my brother still living at home, which I such a good idea so long as my mom will have me rest free, I just really get the feeling that he always regretted never going an a big trip after high school, and it really the one thing I really do want to do do, I don't want to take a year off and work, and I don't want to go to school right away, even if my mom expects me to go strait through like she did, well guess what mom I not you, and I always thought you made a mistake!

Will the Alex wonders never cease?

Tourette's Syndrome

HaikuGash! Fucking-Witch-Cock!
Here it Comes! ShitFist! Grrr! Tits!
Cyst! Toadfish! Blitzkrieg!

NOTE**= he didnt write this but he does say often!, usually at the most inappropriate times, i love him!
He also often talks of a Requeim for a Big Mac, but i have yet been unconclusive on that front. If anyone comes across such a beast, plaese let me know Plaese and Thank-you

kindly fuck off before I beat you dead with a chimpanzee.

these are jsut going to be a few random things my brother says.

...Than riddle me this, Batman...

...kindly fuck off before I beat you dead with a chimpanzee...

...God I hate you...

...It's The Brak show, starring me I'm Brak!...

...Twenty Dollars can buy many peanuts!...

...I Was The Prettiest Girl There...

... I applied my makeup and donned a full-length red ballgown, slipped on my dainty black combat boots, and tangoed my way into 2nd runner-up...

...It will have swearing. It will have violence. It will have references to monkeys...

...You don't just tard, you retard...

yes he really did say all of those things, yes he really is that wierd, and no he not really gay, but he did look better in that dress than I would have!
finished 5:07

I can't Decide

Everyone i know is good at something, and maybe even great at something, and i can start with my class.
Amy and Claire can just jam all sorts of information into their heads, and even though they say its bad, get the most amazing marks, most impressive.
Amrita, just knows a lot about a lot of things, she can name the new line from one designer or another ( and unlike most people who are into it all like that) she can actually formulate her own opinion about it too
Callen is (from what i hear) an amazing horse back rider.
Mike is on the provincial team for Baseball
Jackson and Govinda sre both (again from what i hear) really good at Hockey.
then my friends:
Erica could lead a rock up a hill. Sha has an amazing aura about her that gives her this leader feeling, i know id follower her to the ends of the earth. shes also fluent in about 3 languages, and im sure could pick a few more up easy-peasy
Vanessa can play so many insruments, is fleunt in another language aswell, and i think knows more cultural references than anyone else on this list
all the cousins are absolutly fantastic at sports! they are so athletic (not only naturally(in genetics, though i dont know where from) but also jsut with all the sports they do, they cant help it.
mom is such a good seamstress, and lets face a great mom considering all that she went through(about 3 nervous breakdowns, raising 2 kids, taking care of 4 gradparents, and going through a divorce)
dad is so confident,(even when hes wrong) and and he does all that travelling and meets new people everyday and he does it so well.
Alex bikes and takes such pride in the army that i cna't help but admire his persistance in it.
basically im seeing a pattern...i do a lot of things a little well, but they all have something they are passionate about, or one thing they do really well. its no good to be ok at a whole bunch of things. when you try to really get into something, it dosen't srok because your either not good enough at it, or there are too many other things in the way that slow the whole process down.
if someone can decide that they are going to, for example, play hockey, then great! they can play hockey and do it really well, but i can't because i can't just decide on one thing, i need to do it all and as a result i get nothing done, it can really be upsetting!(finished at 11:38)

Live or Live

I got a new shirt and it has "LIVE" on the front and i'm wondering is it live that rhymes with pit, or live that rhymes with Pie??

go to : (for clarification about what the fuck im talking about.)

i mean i like the shirt either way, i mean its comfy, and fits well and either way i like what its saying. Live (pit) and its jsut telling you you to live your life and have fun and you know just live it dont fret everything!!
its live (pie) then its kinda cool cuz its like this i live action so pay attention!!
so is it
"This is Live news!"
"Live in the now!"
"This is live(pit) news!"
"Live(pie) in the now!"
What a quandry!...or is it laundry


I have finally found the perfect word to describe my family gatherings. my familty is not as small as some and is certainly not as big as some but its at about a dozen.
My Family:
Auntie Jackie
Uncle John
Auntie Judy
Then we've got:
and Uncle Ed(i mena i guess hes my family but i thinks hes actually my first cousin once removed??)
and ummm i know there are others but its gone right now!lol

anywayz...when we all get to gether our celebrations are truly...convivial!

convivial \kuhn-VIV-ee-uhl\, adjective:Relating to, occupied with, or fond of feasting, drinking, and good company; merry; festive.

our family gathering really are like that ( at least from my piont of view) and i really like. we probaly won't have many more like that.(wow i have been so depressing recently although its all coming together at once, selling flop, graduation, possibly going away for the year, and all of it!) and besides i really do like my family, just as it is, and just like it will be as time goes on and it all changes again!


This year at Christmas dinner:

Auntie Jackie
Uncle John
Auntie Judy
Uncle Ed
>>Dom's friends who are, get this, coming from england for the holidays(well mo is but george is already here)
Mo ( dont know how to spell his name)
and im sure a few others!
but it'll be wonderful!!!
i love family gatherings, big and small, loud and quite, family is great!(finished at 7:10)

Soccer or Football...

well i know an entire country or two that would tell me its obviously tell me its football, and i could find a whole bunch others that could tell me its soccer. honestly i dont really care, but i say it should be football(because it makes more sense) and American football( becuase they stole the name.)
anyways, i went my cousins game(football) and he it really quite good! his team is quite impressive, they won 7-4 and he got the third one, even though it was wet it was still really fun!!!Good job curt!!ill see you on teusday.

Good Bye Dark Half

" The Dark Half" is my horse, and I'm forced to sell him. I mean i love him but honestly ive lost my nerve to ride, and my life is consistantly becoming more and more busy. I'm in grade 12 now and i have Provincials coming, and then next year im travelling or going to school, there just wont be enough time?.But, i've know flop( as he's more commonly know) since he was 3 hours old, and just learning how to really run, he was beautiful then. i bought him when he was a yearling, and he's going to turn 6 on february 14. i got him cheap because he's kinda deformed, which makes him all the more lovable.he has a tooth on his upper jaw and it makes a little bump on his head( i dont know if you know the steven king novel " the dark half" where the guy has a twin grow out of him, but it kinda looks like the eye.) anyways im just going down right now to spend time with him and im probably going to cry. im sorry but if youve never been around horses, or owned one youll proabaly thing im nuts, but im really going to miss that part of my life.

I finally found the answer

i finally figured ourt the differnce between hung and hanged.
Hung--> as in "I hung my jacket on the wall"
Hanged--> as in " He was hanged"

Hanged is done in percecution, hung is when you hang something on the wall etc. cool eh?
BUT: when somebody hangs themselve (as in not done i percecution against another person) it's "hung"

Hung-->" I hung my jacket on the wall."
-->" He hung himself."
Hanged-->"He was hanged by the member of the town."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*INTERESTING I KNOW!LOL*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


i used to alway find it really difficult to figured out the distace between affect, and effect but i came up with this nifty sentence.
"When you Affect something, it has been effected" and the two words are in alphzbetacle order! cool eh?(FYI: im Canadian, thats why i got the 'eh?' in here)


today i was in the libarary with Amy and Claire( we were doing a history thing, but that another story) and we were tlaking to a grade nine who was in there doing his math home work ( because he dosn't take gym but another story as well). Well he was telling us about a kid in his class who, his teacher was annoyed at him for some reason and in order to change the subject he started coulouring his teeeth, thats right his teeth, with a black sharpie marker. Now im sure we all know they are non toxic but still, the smell alone must have induced a simple gag reflex, dont' you think?
well anyway he was eventully asked to take it off but no one know exactly how he did it?? i guess that one will remain a mystery!


For history im have to do a breif biography of nicholas II last Tsar/Czar of Russia.Well we were in class and i must have said that i wanted to do nicholas like 10 time ( well maybe only about 5 but it felt like 10) and my teacher just didn't write my name down? WTF?
i mena we only have 8 kids in the class i could have wispered and he would have heard me? it was a total mystery moment?? well i did get him in the end but i was a very annoying moment!!
Later on when we were in the library i was talking to amy and calire about it and right when i was saying " either he's Deaf, Stupid or just plain RUDE!!" and right on the word rude my teacher walks into th room! *heart skip a beat* i hate when people sneak up on you like that!!well anyway i dont think he heard but but i guess he was already having hearing problems today???


so wow talk about a small world, amy's brother anf the guy who dosnt take gym are on the same swim team and they are both really good, we're talking like olympic levels one day, isn't that cool?
i thought is was...GO 2010!!!

well i think i have truly exahusted my brain for today( wow i did more work here then i did at school today) oh yeha one more thing, laura gave me a ride home today cuz she saw me when she passed by me, and she's moving :-( apperntly it some place on like the other side of Tsawwassen, that kinda sux eh?) and she was telling me she's never moved before, same house whole like ( me too ) and now she really dosn't wanna move ( same) if i had to move i would freak! i love this house for one, and all my stuff is everywhere, it would take years to move!!

Finished at 3:36

Monday Evening

Well I'm just going over my last week in my head and I just realized something... I can hardly remember Thursday night. I remember walking with **** ******* ( I protect those who don't know know they are on here) and then I don't but theres other stuff I remember too. I had fun... I think?
You can ask me about that stuff .
Its wierd because its totally messed up ( my memories are in a different order)
I do remember him asking me how much I had had to drink and I said not much but I guess that was a lie ( I had lost track)
he was laughing at me trying to balance on the beam (that was sad!)
good *mile
good *ody
great *ody and *mile
(Friends can ask about the *'s)
we walked to get the car and I remember "lets take this thing for a joy ride!"
then we got back to the school (in between there is a blur????Oops?)
then the a-hole returned its like "my public is watching!!"(I have to show off!
so annoying!
I'm not angry he broke my earrings, and he did feel bad about it
Theres something wrong with **** ( someone else) right Helen
ever since he got back, he's been different, scarier. Like he gonna snap. Its really scary!I don't think I'm gonna spend much time with him anymore .
well I'm done, if this was just way to out there and your confused email/message/call me/or leave a comment

Sunday Morning

So my cousins are getting a guy coming from Germany today and god I just want to stop time so I can enjoy this summer more. I didn't really do that at all. I worked with my dad and made some money, and I did other stuff too, but nothing really of consequence. Nothing to write home about, nothing that would bring down the great wall of china. I have no idea what I'm gonna do after highschool, and I'm never gonna get a date!
I basically just summed up all my lifes problems into one little paragraph. Doesn't that just make me feel insignificant!
So I'm just about to go to church where I can forget about all these problems, sit in the back and be ignored for an hour. I love it! No responsibility for an hour, no nagging for an hour, just me and my crazy fucked up thoughts, its a great place to sort out your problems.
My mom won't be "concerned" for one hour! Recently she gets worked up about things so easily! Like if Helen hits me in the head when I'm sleeping ( no big deal?, she's always done it, its a risk I take when staying over) but my mom literally says" oh honey you better put a stop to that, it could be dangerous!" like it could cause so serious brain damage??Yeah right, get a life!!!
It's driving me nuts!
You know I was considering going on that youth with a mission thing, but now I just don't know because they are a lot more CHRISTian than I am. I don't think I would fit in with that crowd? Joel did it and he is way more CHRISTian than I am. He goes to Baptist! Ahhh! Not that there's anything wrong with that but there's just a big difference between Baptist and Catholic. Catholic are a lot ...quieter about their faith, I don't know if I would paticularly enjoy it? Advice anyone?


Long time again as usual

i know that most of my blogs are few and far between and then even when i do write in it not a lot comes out because i can never remeber wut has happened to me since my last blog
point form:
##mosquito went in my eye yesterday
##got on horse today for first time in a long time and he was rearing and i threw my back out a little ~~ ouch!!
##am working on my typing skills (not so good as you can see) lol
##just killed a big bug eww!
##am checking my email religiously to see if i get an email from a cirtain someone( any one who knows me knows who im talking about
##two japanese exchange students are coming on monday( wednesday now)
##after them i have a GAP student coming from England to stay for the whole year( undecided if im happy about that or not?)
##really stupidly pining after ' someone' and even though im even starting to piss myself off about it i can't help it, i thought i was over him but then i saw a few things that reminded me of him and i was totally into it all again. i think the worst part about it is the rejection, i dont know if the rejection is him honestly just not liking me that way or if its kind of like reverse psyc. like if he really does like me but is trying to hide it. im almost cirtain that if i ever went out with him it would end in heart break for me because he's just so controlled my his mother ( by the way its not like hes a mama's boy i mean he still lives at home but he's only 18 and im 17, not as bad as it sounds) and his mom does not like me, well actually she dosn't like any female between the ages of 15 and 20! she's just that kind of mom. i know i would get hurt but that just dosent seem to stop me, in fact its almost like that's making me go on, i just want to know what it would be like with him, good or bad? while he's away i miss him but i dont know if i even want to see him when he gets back, if ill even be able to handle it. i can hear my friends voices in my head, " if he dosn't throw his arms around you the moment he sees you, tell you he loves you, and then stick his fucking tounge down your fucking throat, than fuck him!" thats a mixture of about 5 different people but you get the idea. the long and the short of it is he dosn't want me, i mean we're good friends( not great but good) cuz we both have the same sick and twisted sense of humour, and we're not exactly the same so we're good oppisites, but i guess i just have to come to terms with it that he won't ever like me that way, i think if i can start to deal with that then i think we could become really great friends, he makes me laugh( and hey you never know, he might be gay...judging from one of his ex's( a little butch) maybe???LOL)
well those are my thoughts? scary eh?

Wow it's been a while!!!

well ok i know i havent written anyhting in here in a while but i have been sooo soo sooo unbelievable busy what with school and homewok and tessts and horse stuff and jobies and now demolay well im at school today. well yeah it was interesting!but hey the quote of the day.

"i didn't want to be dumb by association, oops i mean i didn't want YOU to be dumb by association!!!hehe"