I'm doing pretty good with exams so far even though, I don't think I'm even doing that well on them. But I've gotten over the anxiety of wriing them and now I've just moved on to despair about my marks....?
Tonight's going to be good though, I was going to be going to a pantomime, but it's in town, and I don't want to get back too late because I have my one and only 9:00 AM exam tommorrow, so instead I'm going to stick with my regular thursday night routine and go over the Vanessas' house and watch the O.C., special Christmukkah addition, and things should get interesting between Ryan and Lindsay now that we know that big secret about Lindsay, but also, lets just thing about the last episode where Seth was going after Lindsay, yeah grossed out a little? I was!! I guess its a good thing Seth was completly obsessed over Summer, and didn't actully hook up with Lindsay, that would have been WRONG!!!!Well enought about all that! I'm going to go drink some tea now!

A twinge

A twinge, the only way to describe it is a "twinge" in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it's because I'm, well honestly so old. I mean I'm not actually old, but in the scheme of things and in comparison my friends, I am. I always thought I would never be the last, but it looks like I am. I mean somebody always has to be last, it fairly simple, you can't have a first, and you can't have all the people in between if you don't have a last. Other wise the first person would end up being the last person and then their neither because their the only person! I just never thought I would be last, and now there is no one I can tell. I've lied, to everyone, absolutely everyone, I've even lied to myself, and the scary thing is that sometimes I start to believe myself. Believe the lies. It's like I'm in this hole and like I have this funny idea that if I keep digging I'll get out, but I can't. It almost like it's to late for me, like if you don't start by a certain age then that's it, your doomed for the rest of your life. You'll just have a twinge in the pit of your stomach, followed by disgust, followed by the twinge. I could be jealous, I could be self pitying, or I could just give up, but I don't think any of those will work?
"The only thing that can heal the unhealable wound is the sword that made it"
I know who I have to go to, but it so horrible I can't even think about it. I have the number, I just don't have the guts. And what would I expect? Forgiveness ? For what, it's my fault not theirs! I never spoke up, I never said a word! Respect? Again for what, I'm the one who should be in shame! Rejection? It's what I deserve! I know who I have to go to, but I never will, I guess I just will live for ever in my hole, with the hole in me, and never get close to anyone. It's what I deserve, for lying so much I deserve to be alone, no one would want me, no deserves this curse, and I'm not just saying that for dramatic effect, it's true. I know no one will ever want me, and in all seriousness, in a completely religious sense, I'm probably going to hell. Lying is a little thing but when you do it as much as i do, it suddenly becomes very very big!

I want to go back

Well the truth is I want to go back to my old school. I miss seeing my friends everyday, and I miss the grad events, I miss being able to sopport team Eria 2005. Tonight all the grade 12's are going to Winter Formal. They all got new dresses, and their getting their hair done, or they got new suits, and are completely excited about it. All I want to do is get dressed up and I can't. Tonight I'm gonna be sitting at home watching the O.C. and while that is a really great show, I could have just as easily recorded it and gone to my winter formal. That I would have been ok with! But, alas, no such luck for me, I don't get a winter formal, I get exams, and I don't get a new dress I get a fucking heart murmer! What the fuck is that, this is supposed to be the best year of my life so far, and it's not panning out as that. It's looking like it's gonna be a year of boredom and misery with a little school mixed in, oh joy!! I mean I am trying to look on the lighter side of things, like well at least my friends are having a good time, and while I guess the truth about friends is that you only ever want the best for them, sometimes I want to be a little selfish and have it all for my self. Sometimes I want MY winter formal, and sometimes I want MY grad and sometimes I want MY prom! Maybe I can think " well the new year is coming and high school isn't the end, its the beginning, but a lot of the time it just feels like a horrible continuation, like there's no way to get out of the endless loop, and no way to get out of the routine. God I need a boyfriend or something, something different! Either that or I need to get over myself and go take a shower!