I'm doing pretty good with exams so far even though, I don't think I'm even doing that well on them. But I've gotten over the anxiety of wriing them and now I've just moved on to despair about my marks....?
Tonight's going to be good though, I was going to be going to a pantomime, but it's in town, and I don't want to get back too late because I have my one and only 9:00 AM exam tommorrow, so instead I'm going to stick with my regular thursday night routine and go over the Vanessas' house and watch the O.C., special Christmukkah addition, and things should get interesting between Ryan and Lindsay now that we know that big secret about Lindsay, but also, lets just thing about the last episode where Seth was going after Lindsay, yeah grossed out a little? I was!! I guess its a good thing Seth was completly obsessed over Summer, and didn't actully hook up with Lindsay, that would have been WRONG!!!!Well enought about all that! I'm going to go drink some tea now!
A twinge
A twinge, the only way to describe it is a "twinge" in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it's because I'm, well honestly so old. I mean I'm not actually old, but in the scheme of things and in comparison my friends, I am. I always thought I would never be the last, but it looks like I am. I mean somebody always has to be last, it fairly simple, you can't have a first, and you can't have all the people in between if you don't have a last. Other wise the first person would end up being the last person and then their neither because their the only person! I just never thought I would be last, and now there is no one I can tell. I've lied, to everyone, absolutely everyone, I've even lied to myself, and the scary thing is that sometimes I start to believe myself. Believe the lies. It's like I'm in this hole and like I have this funny idea that if I keep digging I'll get out, but I can't. It almost like it's to late for me, like if you don't start by a certain age then that's it, your doomed for the rest of your life. You'll just have a twinge in the pit of your stomach, followed by disgust, followed by the twinge. I could be jealous, I could be self pitying, or I could just give up, but I don't think any of those will work?
"The only thing that can heal the unhealable wound is the sword that made it"
I know who I have to go to, but it so horrible I can't even think about it. I have the number, I just don't have the guts. And what would I expect? Forgiveness ? For what, it's my fault not theirs! I never spoke up, I never said a word! Respect? Again for what, I'm the one who should be in shame! Rejection? It's what I deserve! I know who I have to go to, but I never will, I guess I just will live for ever in my hole, with the hole in me, and never get close to anyone. It's what I deserve, for lying so much I deserve to be alone, no one would want me, no deserves this curse, and I'm not just saying that for dramatic effect, it's true. I know no one will ever want me, and in all seriousness, in a completely religious sense, I'm probably going to hell. Lying is a little thing but when you do it as much as i do, it suddenly becomes very very big!
"The only thing that can heal the unhealable wound is the sword that made it"
I know who I have to go to, but it so horrible I can't even think about it. I have the number, I just don't have the guts. And what would I expect? Forgiveness ? For what, it's my fault not theirs! I never spoke up, I never said a word! Respect? Again for what, I'm the one who should be in shame! Rejection? It's what I deserve! I know who I have to go to, but I never will, I guess I just will live for ever in my hole, with the hole in me, and never get close to anyone. It's what I deserve, for lying so much I deserve to be alone, no one would want me, no deserves this curse, and I'm not just saying that for dramatic effect, it's true. I know no one will ever want me, and in all seriousness, in a completely religious sense, I'm probably going to hell. Lying is a little thing but when you do it as much as i do, it suddenly becomes very very big!
I want to go back
Well the truth is I want to go back to my old school. I miss seeing my friends everyday, and I miss the grad events, I miss being able to sopport team Eria 2005. Tonight all the grade 12's are going to Winter Formal. They all got new dresses, and their getting their hair done, or they got new suits, and are completely excited about it. All I want to do is get dressed up and I can't. Tonight I'm gonna be sitting at home watching the O.C. and while that is a really great show, I could have just as easily recorded it and gone to my winter formal. That I would have been ok with! But, alas, no such luck for me, I don't get a winter formal, I get exams, and I don't get a new dress I get a fucking heart murmer! What the fuck is that, this is supposed to be the best year of my life so far, and it's not panning out as that. It's looking like it's gonna be a year of boredom and misery with a little school mixed in, oh joy!! I mean I am trying to look on the lighter side of things, like well at least my friends are having a good time, and while I guess the truth about friends is that you only ever want the best for them, sometimes I want to be a little selfish and have it all for my self. Sometimes I want MY winter formal, and sometimes I want MY grad and sometimes I want MY prom! Maybe I can think " well the new year is coming and high school isn't the end, its the beginning, but a lot of the time it just feels like a horrible continuation, like there's no way to get out of the endless loop, and no way to get out of the routine. God I need a boyfriend or something, something different! Either that or I need to get over myself and go take a shower!
*ANNA*
*ANNA*
Mexico
So I mean I really want to go to Mexico with my grad class, but at the same time not really. I mean obviously I want to go to Mexico, like duh? But I mean I don't know.Obviously there's a problem with money, and I don't know if I want to go all the way to another country with people who aren't even my friends?I mean sure I talk to them at school, and I think I've been over to Claires house like once before, but that was for a project, and I think I seen one of them outside of school, but that's it. We don't have any mutual friends, we don't have any of the same interests, and I think I would have a pretty crappy week!!
BUT
On the other hand, it could all go well, it could work out, maybe I'll actually find them all perfectly fine and normal people??Who knows, but I think this is what I'm going to have to say...
"If we do enough fundraising, and basically I don't have to pay out more than $100 dollars out of my own pocket, then I'm all for it!"
THE PROBLEMS:
We have to make a non-refundable payment by December, for the trip to be in April, and if we make that payment, with me in there, and then when its time and we are each like $500 short, I'm totally screwed, cuz I can't pay out $500, and still have my GAP year ( I will explain about the GAP year in a minute) so I gotta think about it, do some number crunching as to the fundraising and wut not etc. But I think it might work??Maybe...??
GAP year:
In England when they graduate from highschool, they have to wait for the following February before they can apply to any universities, because they have to wait for their grades for their equivalent of grade 12 to come through. While we don't quite have the same system here, we still have the possiblilty of going to any number of other countires on an exchange as well (like :Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada (for those who aren't already here), Chile, China, Ecuador, Germany, Hungary, Japan, Mexico, Nepal, New Zealand, Paraguay, Poland(yeah right!!), Romania (same thing!), Russia, and South Africa) so as you can see its a pretty cool thing, and if I have to pay a lot of money toward this Mexico thing, then the GAP year isn't really an option anymore, but if I just don't even bother with the Mexico thing, and focus all my attention on the GAP thing then I think that would be easier for all, so I guess I have some 'serious ' thinking to do!!Well I gotta go write up my GAP application, omg yet another APPLICATION!!lol
BYEZERS
ANNA
PS. Ill leave you all with this:
"Why do people with closed minds, always open their mouths?"
(finished 5:30)
BUT
On the other hand, it could all go well, it could work out, maybe I'll actually find them all perfectly fine and normal people??Who knows, but I think this is what I'm going to have to say...
"If we do enough fundraising, and basically I don't have to pay out more than $100 dollars out of my own pocket, then I'm all for it!"
THE PROBLEMS:
We have to make a non-refundable payment by December, for the trip to be in April, and if we make that payment, with me in there, and then when its time and we are each like $500 short, I'm totally screwed, cuz I can't pay out $500, and still have my GAP year ( I will explain about the GAP year in a minute) so I gotta think about it, do some number crunching as to the fundraising and wut not etc. But I think it might work??Maybe...??
GAP year:
In England when they graduate from highschool, they have to wait for the following February before they can apply to any universities, because they have to wait for their grades for their equivalent of grade 12 to come through. While we don't quite have the same system here, we still have the possiblilty of going to any number of other countires on an exchange as well (like :Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada (for those who aren't already here), Chile, China, Ecuador, Germany, Hungary, Japan, Mexico, Nepal, New Zealand, Paraguay, Poland(yeah right!!), Romania (same thing!), Russia, and South Africa) so as you can see its a pretty cool thing, and if I have to pay a lot of money toward this Mexico thing, then the GAP year isn't really an option anymore, but if I just don't even bother with the Mexico thing, and focus all my attention on the GAP thing then I think that would be easier for all, so I guess I have some 'serious ' thinking to do!!Well I gotta go write up my GAP application, omg yet another APPLICATION!!lol
BYEZERS
ANNA
PS. Ill leave you all with this:
"Why do people with closed minds, always open their mouths?"
(finished 5:30)
Conclave this year
ok so its a little late this year, it happened about two weekends ago, but I guess I had to let it all sink in. So last year I so totally threw myself at Aaron, and this year I completely through myself at someone else, and I'm kinda ...I don't know not regretting it, just I kinda wish I hadn't cuz now I'm completely estranged with Aaron, and I don't really want that to happen with nutty. But I told Nuttys friend at a party last Saturday, that at conclave, I was just bored and then Ryan, Nuttys friend, said that nutty was just bored to, so now we just sorta talk and that on msn but I'm not really interested anymore?...I'm actually more interested in someone else, some in close proximity to me right now(hint: look at the time marker)like he's sitting right across form me in the computer lab and his foot is on mine and that's really annoying because honestly I can't move me foot right now, the good one, he's on it, and its stuck lol.oh well, my screwed up life!!
footsies has got to be the stupidest thing in the world, when its under a table with a table cloth, then its ok, but when people do it under a table, like where everyone can see, it just look like they lost something up the pant leg of the other person, and basically looks stupid!!and sometimes, you can hurt your toe!
Torn...Broken...Damaged Goods
footsies has got to be the stupidest thing in the world, when its under a table with a table cloth, then its ok, but when people do it under a table, like where everyone can see, it just look like they lost something up the pant leg of the other person, and basically looks stupid!!and sometimes, you can hurt your toe!
Torn...Broken...Damaged Goods
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