A twinge

A twinge, the only way to describe it is a "twinge" in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it's because I'm, well honestly so old. I mean I'm not actually old, but in the scheme of things and in comparison my friends, I am. I always thought I would never be the last, but it looks like I am. I mean somebody always has to be last, it fairly simple, you can't have a first, and you can't have all the people in between if you don't have a last. Other wise the first person would end up being the last person and then their neither because their the only person! I just never thought I would be last, and now there is no one I can tell. I've lied, to everyone, absolutely everyone, I've even lied to myself, and the scary thing is that sometimes I start to believe myself. Believe the lies. It's like I'm in this hole and like I have this funny idea that if I keep digging I'll get out, but I can't. It almost like it's to late for me, like if you don't start by a certain age then that's it, your doomed for the rest of your life. You'll just have a twinge in the pit of your stomach, followed by disgust, followed by the twinge. I could be jealous, I could be self pitying, or I could just give up, but I don't think any of those will work?
"The only thing that can heal the unhealable wound is the sword that made it"
I know who I have to go to, but it so horrible I can't even think about it. I have the number, I just don't have the guts. And what would I expect? Forgiveness ? For what, it's my fault not theirs! I never spoke up, I never said a word! Respect? Again for what, I'm the one who should be in shame! Rejection? It's what I deserve! I know who I have to go to, but I never will, I guess I just will live for ever in my hole, with the hole in me, and never get close to anyone. It's what I deserve, for lying so much I deserve to be alone, no one would want me, no deserves this curse, and I'm not just saying that for dramatic effect, it's true. I know no one will ever want me, and in all seriousness, in a completely religious sense, I'm probably going to hell. Lying is a little thing but when you do it as much as i do, it suddenly becomes very very big!